The Narcissistic Parent

If you have a parent with NPD, or you are co-parenting with a narcissist, you probably experience a lot of frustration and confusion.  Sometimes they seem like a loving parent, sometimes not at all; sometimes they seem caring and involved, and then in the next moment, not at all.  How do you make sense of all of the mixed messages and more importantly, how do you cope?

We’ll dive into the nine traits of someone with NPD and talk about how they play out in their parenting.

1. Arrogant behaviors/attitudes; The first trait of someone with NPD is that they need to be the center of attention; they can’t share the spotlight; they get bored or angry if others are being given more attention; and they are generally not interested in others.  Parenting demands a selflessness attention to a child, often at the complete exclusion of yourself.  As parents, we learn that self-care goes out the window and we have to consciously work to get it back or we burn out from exhaustion.  We all have funny stories of being so pre-occupied with our kids that we go to work in our slippers or with baby puke on our shirts, it’s just normal for a parent.  So, you can see already, trait #1, and the demands of normal early parenting are complete opposites.  In my experience, clients I’ve had who were parented by someone with NPD feel very confused about whether they are really loved and often begin to feel unlovable.  They feel that when they are bringing glory to the parent, possibly through achievements, or when cute and adoring of the parent, they may get some attention, but otherwise, the attention is minimal.  Overall, they often feel love and attention are brief and conditional.  As a co-parent, you will be going it alone for all of the thankless drudgery work of parenting and they may show up to get the kudos or credit or to look like a great parent when there is something going well.  
2. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance, they exaggerate, act superior, and expect to be recognized.  Being parented by this type of personality means that you watch them build themselves up, you are expected to bolster their grandiosity, and you gradually realize you will not be given importance unless you are bringing them recognition.  As a co-parent, you are expected to really parent them; building them up, taking care of their fragile ego, as well as the kids, and getting no help until or unless it suits them. 
3. They are preoccupied with unlimited money, success, power, brilliance, beauty.  As a child, the focus is on the superficial and this can be intensely undermining of your development of a healthy sense of self.  You are noticed for these attributes only, not ever for caring or being kind or being empathic.  Your self-esteem may be grandiose as well, conversely, very poor if you feel you can’t measure up.  As a co-parent, you’re expected to value these superficial attributes as well, and it can be very frustrating to raise children together with completely different values from your co-parent. 
4. They believe that they are special and can only be understood by other special people; yes, we’re all special but this is that person who really puts themselves on a pedestal and feels no one else understands them because they are too brilliant, etc.;  Being parented by this person is confusing; your parent is above all others, and yet you see their fragility and childishness.  You’re expected to hold up the story that the narcissist is extraordinary, and not to think of yourself as anything interesting or special so as not to compete for any time or attention.  If you ever stop adoring them, say as a teenager, your value to them implodes and dissolves completely.  As a co-parent, you’re up against a black hole; they absorb all the energy in their vicinity, and suck the life out of you with their needs and childishness.  You’re virtually single-parenting already, and yet have to hold them up as well.  
5. Requires excessive admiration; Even as a child, you are expected to admire the narcissistic parent continuously.  The cognitive dissonance of your parent being fragile and yet above others is very confusing. This early gaslighting leads children of narcissists to have trouble trusting their own beliefs and knowledge.  You know you’re supposed to worship that parent but you don’t even know if you respect them much of the time.  Sometimes a child does worship that parent until they show their true colors and that realization is devastating.  As a co-parent, you bolster them as much as you can to placate them and prevent drama, but during the times you’re exhausted, like all parents are at times, you resent that person and hate that they ask so much and give so little. 
6. The narcissist has an intense sense of entitlement and extreme expectations of others. They continuously expect others to cater to their needs and get upset or angry when ignored or not catered to. As a child of a narcissist, this can be very embarrassing as you’ve likely witnessed that parent going off on random people when they don’t get their way.  I’ve counseled many people who have locked themselves into passive responses to all challenges as they don’t want to act the way they’ve seen that parent act.  However, I’ve also counseled clients who took on the same entitlement and expectation that others should cater to and placate their every emotion or need.  In particular, they often expect the non-narcissistic parent to treat them with the same enabling, and taking care of their every need or want. As a co-parent, this can be the source of true anger as you become everything to everyone and are not given any support or value; simply expected to do it all. 
7. Narcissists are very exploitive; they take advantage for their own needs and ends and are exceedingly self-centered.  As a child, you watch this in your parent and are either ashamed, and angered; or you grow up thinking it’s ok to treat others this way.  Or you even adopt a merging of the two and act in self-centered ways, and then feel ashamed.  As a co-parent, you’re horrified by their behavior towards others, and increasingly unnerved by the demands on you. 
8. Lacks empathy; they are unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of others; As a child, you need empathy, caring, and kindness from your parents.  When a parent lacks empathy, and is unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of others, they really lack one of the very essential characteristics of a parent.  You’re left to feel alone, unheard, misunderstood, and disregarded.  As a co-parent, you’re really going it alone; with no empathy, and no connectedness to feelings and needs; they do not empathize with yours or your children’s emotions; and that leaves you doing the heavy lifting for your kids throughout their upbringing. 
9. And finally, the narcissist is envious of others and believes others are envious of them.  This focus on envy and superficiality is a profound part of the problem with their parenting; there is little recognition of any deeper sense of self or sense of meaning or purpose in life.

In my experience, it is common for a narcissistic parent to even be envious of the child; for any attention they get from the other parent, for their successes, or beauty, or skills in athletics, or for pursuing dreams that the parent wanted to pursue but didn’t, or any number of things.This is tragic for a child, to have to navigate that mess of envy and resentment that is completely inappropriate and childish.As a co-parent, you’re also navigating this minefield where paying appropriate attention to your child, leads to explosions from your spouse; while ignoring your child, would deeply wound their growing sense of self and hurt their heart.

Healing as a child of a narcissist;

1. It’s critical to realize you were not to blame for their narcissistic traits; you didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it.  Their envy, their resentment, selfishness, neediness, being hot and cold with you depending on whether you were meeting their needs, or causing them to be glorified or not.  Their poor modeling in terms of being all about themselves, lacking empathy, focusing on the superficial, and acting in entitled ways, have left you with some confusing holes to fill.  
2. It’s crucial to assess who YOU are; as a separate person from your parent(s).  Ask yourself, are you empathic, caring, kind, able to share and be there for others, able to focus on your values and character qualities rather than just looks, money, status? 
3. When you recognize who you are, you can better realize your identity, worth, and value, are not based on how they valued or didn’t value you.  You are your character qualities, your values, and how you treat others; your life is about what matters to you, the relationships you create, and how you live your life and care about others.  I’ve worked with many people who had very poor parents and yet were really great at parenting their own children; because it mattered to them to do it differently.

Healing as a co-parent, if you can move on, do it.  The narcissist is, by definition, incapable of co-parenting with you.  If you must stay, set clear boundaries and stick to them.  And if they continue to break them, rethink the staying and make a plan to get free.  ‘Staying for the kids’ is a common reason to stay, however, it’s important to step back and look at the wisdom in this for your specific situation; is it really best for the kids?  Is it going to cause more harm than good to stay?  These are very difficult decisions and are best sorted out with the help of a therapist.

In summary, the narcissist is, by definition, poorly equipped to be a parent; the nine traits of the narcissist describe a person who lacks the basic abilities most needed by the child and co-parent, and shows why they tend to create confusion, hurt and drama in any family situation.